Thursday, June 26, 2008

Dressing for success

Ahhh, lunch, 3.2 minutes to do something other than work (or blog, which by doing at work I am getting paid for). So I check out the usual places on the internet as I leisurely eat a soba noodle salad and a 100 calorie pack of pretzels. Which is just how I eat, I’m not on a diet, diets take motivation, of which I have none.

So while eating this feast of epic proportions I click on CNN to see if any real news made the headlines, or if its all celebrity gossip today. I swear CNN is just TMZ light, actually I hate the fact that I even know what TMZ is, honestly I had avoided it, until I fell asleep on the couch a couple weeks ago and woke up during an episode. Who the fuck watches that shit, why would anyone care that much about Britney Spears? Anyway, back on topic.

So looking around, I notice a little T-shirt icon, next to the video icon. Now I’m already annoyed with CNN since half of their content is now video’s, since people are too lazy to read. And since I’m at work, with a company who’s president believes that computers aren’t really necessary in today’s work environment, trying to look at an internet video causes my entire system to crash.

Back to the T-Shirt (damn, this is just one tangent after another, I must not have much real content today). I role my pointer over the Icon, thinking “What the fuck is that?” And the ever helpful description “T-Shirt” pops up. Thanks CNN, I had know Idea that that little Icon could be a T-shirt, short sleeves, no collar, not a whole lot of options left for what it could be.

So now I have a life changing decision to make, do I click on that little Icon and see where it takes me? My company’s web filtering system isn’t exactly logical, and if you hit too many sites that are blocked, you get to have a 1 on 1 with a VP. So I take a look at where the link sends me:

Well, its still, so I feel pretty safe clicking on the Icon, and I take my chances (that’s right folks, I am a real risk taker).

So what opens up in my browser window? I can buy a T-shirt from CNN that says “Gas Scammers refill rentals with Water” with the subtext “I just saw it on” than the date and time. No fuckin way, CNN is trying to sell T-Shirts with their headlines, and the date and time that you clicked on the headline. Not only that, but it is offered in 3 different colors (white, gray and black), men’s or women’s styles with your choice of size. Although CNN does warn you that “These shirts fit snugly. Size up for a looser fit.”. Which really means, you are fatter than you think you are, you need to go look in the mirror, looser. Thanks CNN, even you think I’m fat.

Why the hell would you want a T-shirt with a CNN headline, who the fuck is buying this shit? Why do they have the date and time on there, is their some kind of competition to get the earliest timestamp on your shirt? (edit: nope, its just the time the story was posted). Why can’t I get cool headlines on my shirt? I’d much rather have:

“Lawmakers vow to execute child rapists”
“Heather Locklear enters mental hospital”

“Gas Scammers refill rentals with Water”

Why are child rapists and Heather Locklear treated differently than Gas Scammers? Its discrimination I tell you. And anyone who buys these T-shirts is an idiot. Seriously, why would you want to wear one of these things? Are you really so desperate to stick out in the crowd that you would wear a CNN T-shirt. Really can’t you find a better use of your $15 dollars than buying so stupid looking T-shirt. Are you really so into today’s headlines that you want to wear them?

If you want to buy one of these, you are probably one of those TMZ watching loosers who are too fat to wear a snug T-shirt anyway. Wearing this T-shirt isn’t going to make you any less the object of others scorn than you already are. We will still be laughing at you, not with you.

Honestly, if I see someone on the street wearing one of these, Its going to take all of my self restraint not to laugh in their face, hell If assault weren’t so frowned on I’d be justified to punch you in your face just for wearing one. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that at the next company outing at least one of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis will be wearing one, and I’ll be forced into some mind numbing discussion of how clever the T-shirt is.

Well at least I won’t have to hear about little Billy’s latest escapades for 5 minutes.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Return of the Brick

Stress relief, we all need it, and most go out of their way to find it. I’m a pretty laid back person, so a beer, a lipper or a glass of J.D. usually will suffice. But for the most part, partaking in those things is frowned on at work, well other than the lipper, which I can get away with as long as I don’t pack my lip so full I look like an African tribesman with a lip implant.

For me writing this blog is a form of stress relief that I can get away with at work. Most of the BS I post takes me all of an hour to write, and I’m not much for editing, so it goes right up.

Now as those of you who visit this site may have noticed, there hasn’t been much posted here in quite awhile. Some of that has to do with the NFL being in its dead season. But more so it had to do with me finding another outlet.

I’ve been playing this stupid web-based football sim called Goallineblitz. So while I waited on hold for contractors while they came up with a new set of excuses, I could jump on, check my players and see how my team was doing.

For the most part, I was on the site for about a half hour a day. Check a couple things, and get on with my work. And honestly, no real thought was involved so it was a minimal distraction to keep me from pulling out my rapidly receding hair.

Unfortunately, the geniuses at IT have decided that Goallineblitz is a threat to the company and have blocked the site here at work. Look, I understand the desire to have all of us toil away like robots for 60 hours a week, but this site was hardly worthy of their concern.

I understand that the companies policy is to block non-work related sites, and there is no way to justify Goallineblitz as being work related. But there are far more egregious wastes of company time going on than clicking on a web site.

I have multiple co-workers here who spend hours a day discussing their exceedingly boring lives with each other. I really don’t care about your weekend, your kids, the Red Sox or your new home hunt. I don’t care that you just got around to seeing National Treasure, that your softball team got spanked yesterday, or that your fat ass was wiped out after a 10 minute bike ride.

Then there are the smokers who take a 15 minute break every other hour to stink the place up, the group that needs a twice a day half hour coffee run and the group that disappears every day for lunch at 11:30 and shows back up at 1:30.

There are far more egregious examples of wasting the companies time than checking a web-site for a couple minutes at a time. And then there is the seemingly random way that web-sites are chosen for blockage. I can go to sporting news, or yahoo sports, but not ESPN (not that anyone should go to ESPN). I can go to 20 different fantasy football sites, but not Yahoo’s.
I bust my ass at work, my regular workweek is 60+ hours, and that doesn’t count when I work Saturday’s or bring work home. I have moved from Connecticut to Pittsburgh for the betterment of the company (although Pittsburgh is a huge improvement over New Haven). My work is done on time, usually is right the 1st time, and I have been commended many times for going the extra mile. I enjoy my job most days, and I’m pretty good at it.

So if I’m getting my shit done, and am making good money for the company, why the fuck can’t I waste my free time as I see fit. You know whom I blame, not IT, or the higher ups that still can’t figure out how to answer an email. I blame the fucks that waste the Companies time every other imaginable way. Because, you know that after they finish regaling 3 different coworkers 3 different times with tails of little Billy’s tee ball game, they then go and log on to their favorite time wasting website.

Thanks to you boring dickwads, I have lost yet another small bit of freedom in my life. You fucks affect me more than terrorists, your lucky that George Bush is probably one of you, or he would send the CIA to your door. Actually, no, you are helping him deplete our freedoms so you’re cool with him.

So who is the winner here? The waste of space 80%, no they lost the site also, the company, no everyone, including me, will just find another outlet. No there is only 1 real winner here. YOU, the Brickinthebox reader, because footballs almost here, and I have time to waste. That’s right: