Ahhh, lunch, 3.2 minutes to do something other than work (or blog, which by doing at work I am getting paid for). So I check out the usual places on the internet as I leisurely eat a soba noodle salad and a 100 calorie pack of pretzels. Which is just how I eat, I’m not on a diet, diets take motivation, of which I have none.
So while eating this feast of epic proportions I click on CNN to see if any real news made the headlines, or if its all celebrity gossip today. I swear CNN is just TMZ light, actually I hate the fact that I even know what TMZ is, honestly I had avoided it, until I fell asleep on the couch a couple weeks ago and woke up during an episode. Who the fuck watches that shit, why would anyone care that much about Britney Spears? Anyway, back on topic.
So looking around CNN.com, I notice a little T-shirt icon, next to the video icon. Now I’m already annoyed with CNN since half of their content is now video’s, since people are too lazy to read. And since I’m at work, with a company who’s president believes that computers aren’t really necessary in today’s work environment, trying to look at an internet video causes my entire system to crash.
Back to the T-Shirt (damn, this is just one tangent after another, I must not have much real content today). I role my pointer over the Icon, thinking “What the fuck is that?” And the ever helpful description “T-Shirt” pops up. Thanks CNN, I had know Idea that that little Icon could be a T-shirt, short sleeves, no collar, not a whole lot of options left for what it could be.
So now I have a life changing decision to make, do I click on that little Icon and see where it takes me? My company’s web filtering system isn’t exactly logical, and if you hit too many sites that are blocked, you get to have a 1 on 1 with a VP. So I take a look at where the link sends me:
Well, its still CNN.com, so I feel pretty safe clicking on the Icon, and I take my chances (that’s right folks, I am a real risk taker).
So what opens up in my browser window? I can buy a T-shirt from CNN that says “Gas Scammers refill rentals with Water” with the subtext “I just saw it on CNN.com” than the date and time. No fuckin way, CNN is trying to sell T-Shirts with their headlines, and the date and time that you clicked on the headline. Not only that, but it is offered in 3 different colors (white, gray and black), men’s or women’s styles with your choice of size. Although CNN does warn you that “These shirts fit snugly. Size up for a looser fit.”. Which really means, you are fatter than you think you are, you need to go look in the mirror, looser. Thanks CNN, even you think I’m fat.
Why the hell would you want a T-shirt with a CNN headline, who the fuck is buying this shit? Why do they have the date and time on there, is their some kind of competition to get the earliest timestamp on your shirt? (edit: nope, its just the time the story was posted). Why can’t I get cool headlines on my shirt? I’d much rather have:
“Lawmakers vow to execute child rapists”
“Heather Locklear enters mental hospital”
“Gas Scammers refill rentals with Water”
Why are child rapists and Heather Locklear treated differently than Gas Scammers? Its discrimination I tell you. And anyone who buys these T-shirts is an idiot. Seriously, why would you want to wear one of these things? Are you really so desperate to stick out in the crowd that you would wear a CNN T-shirt. Really can’t you find a better use of your $15 dollars than buying so stupid looking T-shirt. Are you really so into today’s headlines that you want to wear them?
If you want to buy one of these, you are probably one of those TMZ watching loosers who are too fat to wear a snug T-shirt anyway. Wearing this T-shirt isn’t going to make you any less the object of others scorn than you already are. We will still be laughing at you, not with you.
Honestly, if I see someone on the street wearing one of these, Its going to take all of my self restraint not to laugh in their face, hell If assault weren’t so frowned on I’d be justified to punch you in your face just for wearing one. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that at the next company outing at least one of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis will be wearing one, and I’ll be forced into some mind numbing discussion of how clever the T-shirt is.
Well at least I won’t have to hear about little Billy’s latest escapades for 5 minutes.