I’m not real big on the newfangled communication tools out there, and by new fangled I mean anything developed in the last 15 years. I carry a cell phone only because it is required by my job, and they provide it. You won’t find me on any instant messenger, I have sent one text message in my life, and I had to borrow some one else’s phone to do so. To me the internet is for reading about football, fantasy sports and porn, maybe not in that order.
So it was a big surprise to not only myself, but my close friends when I signed up for a Facebook account the other day. I blame my brother, who is the complete opposite of me when it comes to being social. It turned out he knew an old friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to in years was sick thanks to Facebook. So I decided to sign up just to get an update, turned out it was nothing serious.
Much to my surprise, I didn’t stop there. I looked up the names of a couple of other friends and sent out friend requests. Even if a “friend request” sounds like the most pathetic thing a grown person can do to me. “Will you be my friend, I need some sort of public affirmation to make myself complete”. You are probably figuring out real quick why I can count my close friends on one hand, I’m just a little cynical, as if you hadn’t already gathered that from this blog.
So with my 5 or 6 friend requests sent out, what did I do? Well other than putting a picture of myself up, nothing. Chances are with the information that my old friend was cool in my pocket I would never have looked at Facebook again. But then my inbox started getting hit, and my interest grew in this Facebook thing.
See I wasn’t just getting Friend Requests from… well… friends. I was getting them from people I had quite honestly forgotten about. Not sure what that says about me as a person. Most of them I was pretty cool about getting in touch with, however superficial, but some of them left me scratching my head.
I was getting requests from names I didn’t recognize, I had to go to their page and look at the pictures to get some sort of idea if I even knew this person (I drank a lot in college and we referred to everyone by nicknames, so I do have some excuse). Once I figured out who they were, I gladly accepted.
I got friend requests from people I not only had forgotten about, but people that I never would have considered myself friends with in the 1st place. What do I do about these people? Do I accept their request, it’s not like having them in my friend list is going to hurt me in any way. Would it hurt their feelings if I reject them? Do I care since I didn’t consider them friends in the 1st place?
And how did an ESPN writer get a hold of my name? Has my constant bashing of the four-letter network earned me the attention of some one there? Don’t bother checking my friend list for who it was, I haven’t accepted them. Now if they can get me a copy of that Erin Andrews video, they would get instant acceptance.
Now I am putting way too much time and thought into this stupid Facebook thing. It is taking away from important Internet porn time as I read through the newsfeed on my homepage, looking to see if one of the people I am close with has posted something, or if it is just drunken notes and quiz scores. Too much time is being spent looking up who the hell this person requesting to be my friend is, and I don’t even think I have passed the 30 friend threshold, what the fuck are people with hundreds of friends doing? Do they even know or care about half the people on their list?
I knew I never should have signed up for this thing, I was much happier walking around with my Zach Morris phone and having no contact with anyone that isn’t family or living within walking distance. Fuck you bro, I should never have sat around that fire drinking with you, now the Internet time I use looking for celebrity up-skirt shots has been severely compromised.