Monday, November 12, 2007

7 Things for Vetrans Day

Its Monday, so you know that I had to have learned something this weekend. And of course I need to share it with both of my readers. Besides, where else can you read about Being Lazy, Raiders Football, Paytons much needed Pep talk and the solution to bringing down Bill Simmons in one place.

So lets get right into it:

#1 - Being Lazy is a good thing

Is there anything better than a Weekend where you don't have to do anything? Well sure I had things to do, but most of them required going outside, and thanks to the weather they couldn't get done this weekend. So I was able to veg out on the couch, watch football and nap. Throw in copious amounts of mexican food, beer and leftovers and the hardest thing I did all weekend was set the timer on the microwave.

Sure I took the dog to the park and let him run around, but even that was generaly exertion free, as I was able to go to a little used section of the park and let him run off-leash. This mimimal amount of action cost me adjusting 1 lineup on a fantasy team, but the guy I was playing had SD's D (who the fuck starts SD's D against Indy) so I was destine to loose anyway.

Unfortunately I think this will be my last lazy weekend of the year, since I have parties/family/hunting/Christmas Bull to attend to each weekend for the rest of the year. Fortunately, I have plenty of vacation time left for scheduling of Lazy weekdays.

#2 - Florida football

Lets take this time to laugh at the once mighty Florida St. and Miami programs. Florida St's collapse against VT was a thing of beauty, well at least according to my Brother who was at the game. I was unable to watch as the game was blacked out for some unfathomable reason here. I also didn't get to watch a down of Miami getting run out of the Orange Bowl, but all you have to do is look at that score to get a good laugh in.

Florida may still be a top team, but at least they have already lost 3 games this year, so America's wang is officialy out of National title contention.

#3 - The Raiders offense continues to regress

Where do we start. The Bears putrid run defense held the Raiders in check (remember when the Raider's run attack was one of the best in the league? Me neither) The Raiders wide outs were unable to get consistant separation against a banged up Bears secondary. And when they did manage to get a little separation, McCown was unable to deliver the ball.

The most damning play came late in the game as the Raiders were attempting to drive into scoring position. McCown was pressured early, but managed to buy time with his feet. Reset and...wait...wait some more. Throw a piss poor pass down field just out of the reach of Tim Dwight. Where the fuck were the other recievers. Well I don't have a view that shows all 11 players, so I'll have to take the anouncers word for it. All the other recievers gave up on the play. When the Raiders allow the QB that much time, they almost always give up a big play. When the Raiders get that much time, the recievers just assume that the QB has been sacked.

That in a nutshell is the problem with the Raiders. There is not a WR on the team worth keeping right now. The only 1 I'm even interested in is Curry, but he seems to have caught a case of the drops. And if I have to I'll give Higgens a pass since he is a rookie. It would seem like I'm calling for a house cleaning, but that only leaves Porter and Dwight. Thats right there are only 4 WR's on the Raiders roster.

That is why you can't put Russell in. Well that and the Oline can't handle the 8-9 man fronts it is seeing. Putting Russell in when there is no one he can throw deep to in order to back off the safeties will only confuse the rook further.

Sorry Raider fans, until the team finds 2-3 competant WR's the offense will continue to look like shit. 4-12 will be a hell of an accomplishment at this point.

#4 - The Juice is Loose

By far my favorite game of the weekend was the Illini taking down theOSU. How great was it to see a spread offense take down the team that used spread offense elements to dominate the Big Televen the last few years.

Unfortunatly this means that the Wolverines will not go undefeated in the Big Televen for the next two years, as there is no sign that they have or will learn how to stop a QB like Williams consistantly.

For now I will just take delight in Jim Tressel and his sweater vest getting embarrassed by an unranked team. And showing that even if your coach has a sweater vest, it doesn't mean your team has any class. Nice brawl to end the game theOSU.

Now all we need is a Michigan upset next weekend so that not only does Ohio St. loose out on the National Championship, but they also loose out on the Rose Bowl. Eh, for some reason I don't see Carr being able to pull that off.

#5 - Payton Manning

The King of comercials has yet another spot running durring NFL games. At this rate the networks should just save everyones time and have Payton stand in front of a blue screen and flash up corporate images for 2 1/2 minutes. Hell, he could even say a little something about each product.

"If Cadilac should fail to turn you on try cialis for errectile disfunction while talking on your sprint phone to a united way volunteer."

The best is Payton's pep talk's. I'm particulary fond of his latest about getting 6-pack abs. Hey Payton, we all saw your "impressive" physique on SNL. You've got about as much definition as Britney Spears. I'm guessing that the only way you have a 6-pack is by drawing one on.

That said, watching the graceful way that Payton handled his 6-pack of INT's (oh so thats the 6-pack he was talking about) I think Peyton needs his own pep-talk.

Cue brick:

So you're having a little trouble taking a little misfortune like a man. Sure you've thrown 6 interceptions and are missing your friend Mavin. But thats no excuse to make this face.

We've all heard the excuses, your targets and oline are injured, your coach is calling bad time outs. How about stepping up and not throwing 6 INTs you whining bitch. Stop trying to be your generations Dan Marino, just because you've won 1 more Super Bowl than he has doesn't mean you can throw your team mates under the bus the way he did.

YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN. Or not, you've got enough FU money to have a nice life being 2nd Banana to Brady the rest of your life, you Frankenstien looking motherfucker.

#6 - The Brady Knee Watch is back

OK, since we've jumped on KSK's Brady kneecapping bandwagon, we are 0-2 in our predictions. 1st Rocky let down America by not living up to his name then Tony Dungy let god down by not taking rightous action.

So now we look to the Bills to make their biggest impact since falling on their faces 4 straight years in the Super Bowl. A quick perrusal of their roster leads us to 1 man who can raise his game up and end the national nightmare of dealing with Pats fans.

Kyle Williams,

Never heard of Kyle, yeah well me neither. Kyle is our choice based solely on his mug shot. Look at those eyes, he has a hungry look about him. Sure he has only 1 career sack, but I bet he can down himself some Buffalo wings. I'm guessing he is one of those guys who can just inhale the meat right off the bone. So Kyle, we are going to do some "Waterboy"-esque visualization. Look at Brady's leg and imagine its a wing from anchor bar. Thats right, just dripping with hotsauce. And it doesn't matter if you get a little sauce on your uniform, since the team cleans it for you. Thats right, no drycleaning charge for your favorite Louisiana St. T-shirt. You can really dig in and get messy. And just think off all the pizza you can buy collecting the bounty on Tom's knee. So get in there fatty and get crackin.

#7 - Time to forget about Simmons

I've got a little something to admit. I think part of the reason I've been so harsh on Bill Simmons is that I remember when his writing was funny and I could relate to it. I bashed because I cared. In the buisness that Simmons is in it pays to make people either love or hate you. It brings in page hits to ESPN's site, whether it be from fans who read every posting, or by people who can't stand you who want to spread some mock-indignation across the interweb.

Simmons, along with NE fans in general, took a turn for the worse following the Red Sox 1st ring in 80 some years (I don't care enough to know exactly how many). They became what they hated, Yankee fans. For years they had the lovable looser title to share with Cubs fans. Now they expected to be loved for being champions. Love US, Celebrate US, but do so on our terms, don't go buying a Red Sox hat if you haven't been wearing one since birth or you'll be labled a pink-hat.

They can't understand the backlash. The most publicly indignant figurehead for NE fandome is Simmons. So he has to rail against slights, real or percieved. To do otherwise would be risking Pink-hat status.

So Simmons has become a hypocrite, openly chearing for actions that he would have derided in years past.(Spygate, running up the score, try to go undefeated) Defending the indefensible (yes Bill the Pats are all class on and off the field, just ask anyone who has ever played against Rodney Harrison) and railing against the Refs. (How many times have you told Raider fans to get over it, Karma is a bitch Billy).

So I'm going to stop writing about Simmons and stop reading anything he writes. Love him or Hate him nothing you do can hurt him. But ignor him, now that hits him right in the overies.

I guarentee, if everyone who currently rushes to read his column each week and post their indignation across the web just stopped reading him and quoting him, his readership would drop by 70%. And the result would be hilarious. What BS would BS post to get readers back? Could his ego handle being dropped from ESPN's frontpage, would the sportsgirl leave him for Steven A. Smith?

So no, I'm not going to contribute to the bounty on Simmons head, I'm not going to break down his BS to show how stupid he has become. I'm going to start the ignor Bill movement. Because, other than personaly knocking his teeth in, nothing would be funnier to me than to watch him implode.

Now, Stuart Scott, its too much fun to bash him to stop.

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