Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.
11am, 2/22/2008, 1st day of the NFL combine. (I have taken up a spot at an empty table here in the bar; I won’t be naming the bar as not to compromise this location for future years. Its pretty quite, I have been here for about an hour setting up the monitoring equipment. I got some strange looks, but explained I have OCD and can only eat if I can later review the audio. Seemed to work.)
After settling down with a nice frosty beverage and the bar menu, I get my 1st surprise of the day. A portly black man asks if he can sit down. Before I can even answer Romeo Crennel joins me at the table.
Brick – Romeo, shouldn’t you be across the street at the combine?
Romeo – Are you done with that menu?
Brick – Um, sure here you go, I’m not hungry anyway
Romeo – Thanks, stupid Browns, trading our #1 pick for that fairy Brady, now I have to waste a weekend in February here in Indy. I should be enjoying a week in Thailand, you know those women will do anything for American dollars.
Brick – I know nothing about that (my wife may read this blog)
Romeo – Did you say something about a blog(starts to get up).
Brick – Blog, no, I didn’t say anything about a blog, that line was added in during editing, you never heard that, I don’t even read blogs.
Romeo (Sitting back down) OK, that’s good, I wouldn’t want it to get out that I skipped out on part of the combine to come over here for lunch.
Brick – So with no 1st round pick, what are you looking at here in Indy?
Romeo – Lunch
Brick – Anything else, I mean you could have had lunch in Cleveland
Romeo – That’s what I told the Browns, but no, they put me on a flight from Cleveland in coach, those cheap fucks didn’t even get me a direct flight, I had stops in Chicago, Atlanta and Cincinnati before getting here. Well actually I was only scheduled to change planes in Chicago, but I got stuck in the john. Have you ever been stuck in the john in an airplane? They must design those things for midgets. I went in just after takeoff in Cleveland, dropped the Cosbys off at the pool, and finished my business as they announced we were approaching Chicago. But I couldn’t open the door I must have banged on that door for a good 20 seconds before passing out from the smell of my own feces. Apparently the plane continued to Atlanta, with me passed out in the shitter, the flight crew didn’t discover me until after we landed in Atlanta. Then I had to wait an hour for a flight to Cincy and another 2 hours for a flight to Indy. So I need some lunch.
Brick – Sorry to hear that, airlines suck (interrupted by waiter taking orders)
Romeo – I’ll have four fried chickens and a coke.
Server – Four fried chickens and a coke?
Romeo – Your right, I need to remember watch my weight, don’t want to end up like Wies, make that a diet coke.
Server – And you sir?
Brick – I’m all set for right now.
(In walks Bill Parcells and Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano)
Parcells whispers something to Sparano
Sparano – Romeo, Mr. Parcells would like to join you for lunch.
Romeo (now sounding like Mr. T. for some unknown reason)– Sit down fools
Parcells once again whispers something to Sparano
Sparano– Mr. Parcells would like to know whom this man is that you are sitting with.
Romeo – Some sucka who who aint eatin notin.
Parcells leans in and mumbles something in Sparano ear.
Sparano – Mr. Parcells requests that you show the proper respect and kiss his ring before he allows you to have him join your table.
Brick – Um sure, whatever. (Kisses ring, Parcells and Sparano sit)
Brick – Mr. Parcells, is there anyone who has stood out to you so far this combine?
Sparano – Mr. Parcells believes that if you are going to cook the soup, you should be allow to shop (Parcells cracks S in the back of the head, leans over and angrily mutters to Sparano)
Sparano – I would like to apologize for misrepresenting Mr. Parcells. The dolphins are taking a close look at a number of players at the top of the draft, and all have impressed so far.
Romeo – WHO is this Mr. Parcells cut the jibba jabba, that be the big Tuna, call him Tuna fool.
Sparano – Please Mr. Crennel, show the proper respect to Mr. Parcells, as a former associate, you should understand this better than most.
Romeo – Don’t be playin me for no Sucka, Parcells ain’t here to see no limp wristed QB out of bean town, he loves fatbodies.
(Parcells leans back, laughs, and then leans over to Sparano)
Sparano – Mr. Parcells appreciates your candor. And you are correct, Mr. Parcells prefers to draft heavyset individuals early. In fact when interviewing Glenn Dorsey and Sedric Ellis today, he challenged each of them to a hotdog-eating contest.
Romeo – Bet he flew in Nathan’s for those two suckas to eat.
Sparano – Quite correct, both of them failed to best Mr. Parcells in the contest, as is to be expected, however Mr. Dorsey performed much better (Parcells once again winds up and knocks the snot out of Sparano)
Sparano – I should apologize, I should know better than to discuss the family business with those outside the family. (Parcells hands Sparano a note) Gentlemen, it appears due to my indiscretion, I will not be permitted to have lunch with you, and Mr. Parcells and I will be leaving now. Please kiss Mr. Parcell’s ring in appreciation for the time he has spent with you.
Romeo stands, walks over to Parcells and drops to one knee and kisses the ring. Not wanting to get whacked, I follow suit. Parcells and Sparano get up and leave.
Romeo (speaking normally again) – God damn, I’m glad that I don’t work for him anymore. I hate talking in the Mr. T voice. Did you know he made Weis dress up like a fuckin leprechaun for work every day.
Brick – I was really hoping to get more info on who they were planning to draft.
Romeo – Are you kidding, Sparano gave up the Nathan’s results. There is no way that they aren’t taking Dorsey. The real reason he was against taking Terry Glenn was that Glenn is the only person to ever beat him in the contest. Parcells to this day claims it was because he had strep throat, and Glenn later let him win a rematch just to start. Hell, Parcells is so dominant at eating hot dogs that Nathan’s won’t allow him to take part in the July 4th contest as it wouldn’t be fair, that motherfucker would lap Kobayashii.
Brick – Thanks, so I can put down Dorsey for my mock draft.
Romeo – Bet on it fool.
Brickinthebox mock draft:
1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU