Tuesday, September 9, 2008

7 Things are better than 10 - Kick Off Weekend

7 things is a day late this week for two reasons, 1 the Raiders played Monday night so the new week didn’t officially start until today, and 2 this was an incredibly shitty week, and yesterday I had no internet for most of the day. Anyway, I’m not going to bitch about my life here, at least not for another paragraph or two, so on with the show.

1 – I suck at picking games

Or at least you think I do. I picked 7 games in my last column, and of those I got right 2 (at least I think New Orleans covered, I’m not checking right now). But there were mitigating factors:

- Those weren’t my locks; those were the games I went into the weekend planning to watch. For my locks of the week I was a perfect 9 for 9, at least as far as you know.
- Never, and I mean NEVER, pick your favorite teams game. I obviously had some rose colored glasses on when I picked the Raiders to beat Denver.
- Its week 1, everyone’s picks suck week 1.

2 – I am a Hater

You know I have continued to lie to myself and to you, my reader, about how I respect the Patriots, I enjoy watching them play football at the highest level. I admit rooting for the underdog, but its not the team I cannot stand, it is the Fans.

I was wrong. I shouted for joy when Andrew Siciliano cut to the Pats game for breaking news and it was Tom Brady lying on his back in pain. Then they showed the replay and I jumped again. It had finally happened, the Pats streak of incredible luck since the Snow Job had ended. Andrew Siciliano, in his gravest, most serious voice, a voice reserved for the assassination of presidents, said “Tom Brady Limped off the Field”.

I joyfully grabbed my laptop, logged on to the fantasy football sire where I was playing a Pats fan that had Brady as his QB and typed in my new team name:

“Tom Brady Limped off the Field”.

I am a Hater after all.

3 – Hey Assholes it is only week 1

I am so fucking sick of listening to fucking retards go on an on about how their team is either going to the Super Bowl, or will be on the clock in January based on their week 1 performance.

Dear Dipshits, there are 15 games left, plenty of ACL’s will be blown out as they are played over the course of the next 4 months. So as we remember that the Super Bowl winners from last season were blown out, lets also remember the following.
- Beating the hapless Dolphins does not mean that the Jets are any better for trading for Favre. They are still a 7-9 to 9-7 team, just like with Pennington. The only difference is now that Brady is down they may be able to slip into a wild card spot with an extra win.

- Michael Turner is not going to set a new NFL rushing record, he played the Lions.

- Kansas City staying within 7 of New England does not mean that they are an improved team. It means that Brady blew out his ACL. (Ok I admit, I just wanted to type that again).

- The Bears are not back, the Colts are not falling apart, and the Titans, well hold up with Vince Young hurt and having emotional issues, maybe the Titans could win some games. Maybe you can learn something from week 1.

4 – Even when the Games suck, college football fuckin rocks

I didn’t post a 1 game to watch column last week, as there were time constraints, and there really wasn’t a match-up that was that great from a looking at NFL talent standpoint. So I skipped it. And I also agreed to go with my wife to the new outlet mall Saturday Morning. Which meant I got the following call from my neighbor.

Auburn - “DUDE, why aren’t you over here watching football”

Brick - “I’m at the new outlets with my wife”

Auburn - “DO you know what the score of the Ohio St. Ohio game is.”?

Brick - “I’m guessing that Ohio St. is losing if you called me”

Auburn - “Fuck yeah, how did you get roped into going to the outlet Mall”

Brick - “I didn’t want to go tomorrow when the NFL kicks off”

Auburn - “Ummmm…. My wife wants to know if the Mall is any good, she wants us to go there tomorrow, I hate you”

That is what he gets for calling me to gloat that he is watching football when I obviously am not. He can see my driveway from the chair he watches the game in, so he knows damn well that I am being tortured in some way if my truck is not there on a College or Pro Football game day.

So I missed the Ohio vs. Ohio St match up until I got into my car as Ohio St returned a kickoff or punt, what ever. But I still got home in time to see San Diego St. almost nock off ND, and Florida get all they could handle from a rebuilding Miami squad for a half, plus a little hand job action in Texas. Not bad for starting the day at an outlet mall.

5 – Some People do not have the Red Zone Channel

You stupid fucks, that is what you get for settling for cable. Every time I get a call from a cable company offering some great deal to sign up with them I ask them 1 question.

Do you have Sunday Ticket?

I have had a number of different responses, never an outright no. There have been offers to check into that, to put me through to an advisor, and an outright lie of “yes, Verizon Fios comes with Sunday Ticket, should I sign you up?”

And being the incredibly friendly guy that I am, I usually tell them not to call back until the cable company gets Sunday Ticket, and for my lying friend, I wasted his time for at least 15 minutes asking if I would get certain match-ups with Verizon’s Sunday Ticket, since I knew I would get them with Direct TV.

But the best part of the Sunday Ticket, with Free Super Fan Package just for logging a random complaint and asking for the cancellation department when my incredibly unreasonable demand wasn’t met, is the Red Zone Channel. I didn’t have to wait for a break in the action for the CBS to break into the Steelers game to show me Tom Brady going down (yep forced it in again), The Red Zone channel switch me over in time to see him still lying on the field. Matt Ryan’s 1st NFL completion for TD, saw it before it posted on ESPN’s Fantasy tracker.

Yeah, if you don’t have the NFL Sunday Ticket with Super Fan package, you pretty much suck at life.

6 – Yeah, the Raiders

I think I just vomited in my mouth; well that is what went through my mind a number of times last night.

I put this one off as long as possible, because they sucked out loud last night. I could make some excuses, because the officiating was horseshit, but even if the game had been called well, the Bronco’s still would have won handily. So lets just get some quick hits out of the way, and maybe I’ll break down a player later.

RunDMC, you know how I questioned his vision; yeah that is why he is running into the backs of his blockers all the time. I have no doubt if he were to ever get the ball out in space he might be special, but right now he is Reggie Bush part 2, which isn’t that bad, it just isn’t worth a top 5 pick. If you are lucky, in a few years he turns into Brian Westbrook, but that will be incredibly lucky.

Me Angelo Hall, put another one on the board for good old brick, too bad this is one that I hate getting right.

D-Russ, not bad rook, too bad you wasted last season so you could take the same contract that was on the table in April after missing training camp. Because I can’t wait to see how you look after two training camps.

Ehh, enough negativity, lets move on to some thing more fun.

7 – Solomon Wilcots has a job for what reason?

Anyone else catch at least part of the Titans vs. Jags match-up? Anyone else notice the constant excuses made for Vince Young by Solomon? There is one of two things going on here. Either these two are sucking each other off, or Solomon likes Vince because he is black.

Because no white hetero sexual QB will ever get the kind of ball washing despite a horrid performance that Young got from Wilcots last weekend.

That’s right, I am pulling the race card. Its time that white boys pull it with reckless abandon. There is a 50% chance of a black man being president. So that means everything must finally be equal. So race card, come to PAPA.

Solomon Wilcots, you are a racist. If Vince Young was not a black man who enjoyed giving you blow jobs during the pregame interviews you would not be lavishing such praise upon his pathetic ass…

Hmm rereading that, maybe Solomon Wilcots is just gay, and there is nothing wrong with that, so long as you don’t allow it to interfere with your work.

No comments: