Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Life Changing Event

Yesterday I received some news that has impacted me deeply. So please bear with me as I try to comprehend how this may effect my life.

Miller and Coors have joined forces. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but I have been a fan of Miller Products over all other American Macro-brews for as long as I can remember. Be it the smooth satisfying taste of the champagne of beers or the great taste & less filling nature of Miller Light, when I put down my Jack Daniels and am looking for a beer to drink while playing beer pong with a lipper in. I choose Miller. (If that last line doesn't get me an endorsement deal, I don't know what will.)

Budweiser was always the "cool" bear in High School and College. Springing for a case of long neck bottles was a sign of affluence in the fraternity house. But, the King of Beers has always tasted a little skunky to me. Not a problem after drinking a few jack and cokes, or jack and ices or jack and jacks (I like variety), but as the first drink of the morning, Bud and its sister Bud light were always 2nd best.

As for others, I've always liked Sam, I'll try any Micro Brew once, Guinness is a favorite with a nice steak. I'm all good with Beer, with 1 exception...

Coors Light, the most bland, watered down excuse for yeast piss that's on the market. Back in the day when I kept track of these things, I could easily drink a case without feeling a buzz. Not a good thing when your living on a budget. with that knowledge,I always looked a man who ordered a Coors light at the Bar a little differently. A man who ordered a Chick light at the bar most likely had a pocket full of GHB. I mean why else would you order such a pussy drink, if you weren't just faking getting your drunk on so that you could participate in a little date rape later in the night.

Then there was the whole "Twins" advertising campaign of a couple years back. This went so far as having the theme song to the twins commercials be included in the weekly highlight segment on Sportcenter. Its no coincidence that this coincided with the final Stuification
of ESPN as the steady decent into mediocrity that sportcenter had been experiencing turned into a death spiral of Stucrament. But what we really learned from the "Twins"

Typical Coors light drinker with Beards

commercials was that Coors light was made by gay men for gay men. The Twins served as the beard for the Coors light drinking male population. Much as Nicole Kidman served as the beard for Tom Cruise. That's right, those guys with GHB were looking for a little man-ass rape, not date rape.

My life was going just fine, knowing that I could trust any beer drinker, other than the rapists drinking Coors light. Then the news breaks yesterday that the manliest of Beers has merged with the gay rapiest of beers. Forming MillerCoors brewing.

Now I'm torn. Can I in good conscience continue to drink High Life and Miller Light, knowing that it will contribute to the coffers of a company that supports the raping of men by other men?

How can I be sure that Coors Light won't have the same effect on Miller that Stu Scott had on ESPN?

How can I get my wife to invite Jessica Alba into the bedroom for a three-way? And how do I get Jessica to accept?

These questions kept me up all last night, especially the last one. So I ask you my friends, please help me answer these questions that plague me, especially that last one, so that I may once again bring peace to my life.

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