Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.
While Romeo was engaged in small talk with Millen and Marinelli I choked down my sandwich as fast as I could. Just as I finished Romeo sat down.
Romeo – you really shouldn’t eat that way. You’ll give yourself heartburn.
Brick – I know, but damn I was hungry.
Romeo – I guess this means you don’t want the sub I got you.
Brick – Thanks but no, I though you had some work to do.
Romeo – Oh, it really wasn’t work, I just went and sat in the stands long enough to get on TV, that way nobody can say I wasn’t there.
Brick – good thinking
Romeo – naw, that’s an old trick, it took me longer to decide what to get at Subway.
Brick – Ham?
Romeo – damn straight.
Romeo then proceeded to take out his subs and stuff his face.
Romeo (between bites) – you know this is the one thing that Quinn got right; Subway is delicious.
It wasn’t long after Romeo finished his subs and ordered a diet coke that Ken Whisenhunt joined us. Apparently he and Romeo are old friends. After introductions I started in with my standard line of questioning.
Brick – So Mr. Whisenhunt, who is going to be the starting QB in Arizona this season.
Whisenhunt – Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I have the god squader or Hollywood. One guy spends every meeting trying to get me to go with him and his zombie wife to church, the other one comes in hung over everyday after trying to get into Paris Hiltons pants. What kind of looser can’t fuck Paris Hilton?
Brick – Sounds like you’ve got it tough in Arizona.
Whisenhunt – Yeh, it sucks, I never thought I’d miss that idiot Ben, but at least Brady Quinn isn’t on the team.
Whisenhunt and I laugh, Romeo sulks and steals my fries.
Romeo – fuck both of you, you weren’t going to eat these anyway.
Brick – Are you going to be active in FA? I know you have a problem with Fitzgerald’s contract tieing things up.
Whisenhunt – Hopefuly he is willing to rework things. I’d really like to bring in ____ and resign our guys. If not it could set us back a year.
Romeo – You know that Fitz ain’t going to rework that deal, nobody wants to stay in Arizona.
Whisenhunt – I think we are really starting to turn the attitude around so that guys will want to stay there. We could make an impact with the right moves this offseason.
Brick – They have been saying that about Arizona for years now.
Romeo – No shit, every fuckin year some asshole writer picks Arizona to go to the playoffs.
Whisenhunt – OK, fuck it, its not like we are on the record here. Arizona sucks, management is a bunch of fucking buffoons. Up and down the roster you might as well just write overpaid, old or bust. We have more money tied up in out #1 WR than most teams have in their QB. Our QB’s are limp wristed pansies. Our offensive line is a bunch of fat faggots, and where should I start on D, since none of them should be starting in the NFL. I go home and cry myself to sleep every fucking night just hoping that somebody puts me out of my misery.
Brick – Damn, you sound like you are about to go postal.
Whisenhunt – You know that wouldn’t be a bad idea with this fucking team.
Brick – OK, you are starting to scare me, how about the draft, there has to be someone there who can help you.
Whisenhunt – where we draft… fuck there ain’t going to be anyone left worth two shits. We are going to have to reach and overpay some slob. Which just means more of the same in Arizona. Scrubs making big time money.
Brick – well you are set at WR and QB so I’ll cross them off the list. It’s too high to take any of the olineman who are left. How about a pass rusher or a cornerback?
Whisenhunt – ok smart guy, who do you have in mind.
Brick – well Derrick Harvey should still be there, he is the kind of guy that Pittsburgh has had luck with by standing him up and playing him at rush LB.
Whisenhunt – I’m listening
Brick - Leodis McKelvin is a little small, but has some raw talent at CB
Whisenhunt – I don’t like the way he tackles
Brick - Aqib Talib is a bigger CB, but not as good in coverage.
Whisenhunt – better, but option 1 is still the best thing you’ve given me.
Brick – OK, so you have Harvey, Quentin Groves or Calais Campbell all in the same mold at DE.
Whisenhunt – now you see why I’m so pissed, you haven’t name one guy who really knocks my socks off. I would be happy with any of the guys you have named… in round 2.
Brick – Damn, you are making this hard. Would you reach for a lineman like Jeff Otah?
Whisenhunt – If we were starting a competitive eating team but I already have a fat OT that eats more than Romeo.
Romeo (between bites of French fries) you’re not that skinny yourself.
Brick – Well we are running out of options here, Felix Jones is still around, but he really isn’t the kind of power back you prefer, and its too early for Fred Davis.
Whisenhunt – You know what, I though I was depressed when I came in here. So I’m going to end this now. Put me down for Harvey, I think I can work with him. Any of those other guys and I’m headed to Ed Harts gun supply and stocking up on AK-47 rounds.
Brick – well thanks for your time Mr. Whisenhunt, and good luck to you this season.
Whisenhunt – Go fuck yourself
With that, Whisenhunt got up and left.
Brick – damn, that guy is on the edge.
Romeo – don’t worry about it, he’ll just hate fuck some cheap whore tonight and be fine in the morning.
Brick – sometimes I wish you would just not add anything.
Romeo – Would you rather he came back and shot up the place fool.
Brickinthebox mock draft:
1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
4. Oakland Raiders – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
5. KC Chiefs – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
6. NY Jets - Vernon Gholston, DE/LB Ohio St.
7. NE Patriots – Dan Conner, LB, Penn St.
8. Baltimore Ravens – Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
9. Cincinnati Bengals - Keith Rivers, LB, USC
10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
11. Buffalo Bills – Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
12. Denver Broncos - Kenny Philips, S, Miami
13. Carolina Panthers – D. Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tenn. St
14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
15. Detroit Lions - Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
16. Arizona Cardinals - Derrick Harvey, DE/LB - Florida