Tuesday, March 4, 2008

2008 - Brickinthebox Mock-Draft - NY Jets - Mangini Mangina

Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.

Watching Romeo eat his 3rd footlong sub while inhaling buffalo wings got me to thinking, what the fuck am I doing here. I mean really, I don’t get paid for this, Indy sucks, and now I’m not sure I’ll ever eat a wing again without gagging.

Brick – Bartender, I need another Jack.

Romeo – slow down hoss, chances are a few more guys will show up today, and you don’t want to puke on someone’s shoes.

Brick – Yeah, whatever. So it sounds like you got some good news and Derrick Anderson is close to resigning.

Romeo – HORSE BALLS, that kid has lucked into the greatest situation in his life. His only competition is out dancing with Brett Michaels while wearing hot pants. Fuckin tooty frooty bitch.

Brick – well you are building a nice offense around those guys.

Romeo – oh sure, we got Braylon “TO wannabe” Edwards playing only when he wants. Mr. Soldier at TE has worse knees than him old man right now. I ain’t ever seen a grown man cry as much as him. You tell him he cut off his rout too early in the film room and he balls like a bitch for 15 minutes. “I’m a soldier, I’m a soldier, I have bad knees…WHAAAAA. But yeah, other than that we have a good Oline and a back ready to break down any minute. Sounds good compared to out Defense.

Chubby White Guy – Romeo, why am I not stunned to see you here padding your innards with copious amounts of rations. So who is the sad sap relegated to listening to you bitch.

Romeo – Hello Eric…so nice to see you.

Mangini – Romeo, you tactless heathen, you have failed to invite me to sit or to introduce the man sitting with you. Sir, allow myself to introduce myself. I am Eric Mangini, but you may call me Mangenius or just Genius if you like. You see I am the head coach for the NY Jets. A position I obtained by being the true mastermind behind the Patriots Dynasty. Ask yourself this, How many Super Bowls have they procured since I vacated… so as you don’t labor yourself, I will retort for you. None. This obese clown sitting next to you rode my coattails to a cushy head coaching job in Cleveland. I will give him some credit, as he did know that he had not the coaching acumen to accept a job in the principal market in the US, unlike me. For I am a man with football erudition on par with the all time greats.

Romeo – What was your record last year?

Mangini – you simple minded fool, you could never grasp the brilliance of the moves I made last year. I have positioned the NY Jets to become the Franchise of the ages. Behind my indisputable, incomparable intellect we will soon go down in the annals as the Greatest team of all time.

Romeo – Other than pissing off Belichick, I can’t think of one thing you did that stood out all year.

Mangini – Oh Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou’s brain. (Turning to me) See what I did there, quoting the bard, our latter-day Romeo here could never appreciate something as highbrow as Shakespear. (Back to Crenell) Of course you can’t think of anything, you exhibit the mental characteristics of one who is missing a chromosome. My moves were so profound as scholars will universally praise their genius for years, but my curse is that the common man, or ape as in your case, will never truly comprehend.

Romeo – Who you callin Ape you little cracker.

Mangini – Please Romeo, calm yourself. Waiter, please bring this man a slice of cheesecake.

Romeo – I do like cheesecake.

Mangini – Of course you do my portly friend. We both know full well that during our time together in New England, I need only put some sustenance in front of you for the 4 quarters of the game, and I was free to work my magic. Truly Romeo, you were the easiest supervisor to usurp that I have ever encountered.

Brick – Mr. Mangini, who has caught your eye here in Indy.

Mangini – Oh, so the other man at the table does have a voice. Good sir, please address me as I have requested. You are in the presence of greatness; a privilege extended to a select few. Do not squander such a blessing.

Brick – Fine, Mr. Mangenius, any players catch your eye here at the combine?

Mangini – Mangenius, ah yes, my aptly endowed nickname, I do love the sound of it. As for the players here at the combine, I have encountered a couple that intrigue me. Of course I normally would not share this information when seated next to a fellow coach, but as the Simpleton next to me allowed himself to succumb to the Siren call of his fellow beluga coaches former prodigy, he has no selection in the opening round, and could not use the information I have, even if he could comprehend it.

Romeo – What the fuck did he just say?

Brick – that you don’t have a 1st round pick since you took Wies’s boy Quinn.

Romeo – Oh, I hate that queer.

Mangini – See Romeo, its not hard to understand if you pay attention, but I would wager you were distracted by that cheesecake being produced from the kitchen.

Romeo (now drooling) That cheesecake does look good.

The waiter arrives at the table and puts the cheesecake down in front of Romeo, who begins to shovel it into his mouth.

Mangini – Waiter, please bring my friend here a second piece, the 1st is not long for this sphere, and surely will not be enough to satisfy his gluttonous desires. In fact bring two more in order to sate this brute.

Brick – about the draft…

Mangini – patience good sir, the type of information I am about to bestow upon you cannot be rushed. You see I have evaluated the talent here, and, thanks to my superior intellect, have ascertained an insight that all others lack. An insight, which I shall bestow unto you. An insight, which holds the key to unlocking the Jets supremacy.

Brick – Ok, so who are you targeting?

Mangini – Mr. Mangenius, so whom are you targeting? Please, good sir, I was beginning to believe that you were capable of holding a brief conversation with one of my stature, please try to refrain from not properly addressing me or using improper grammar in my presence. You would be well served to mind your P’s & Q’s with me.

Brick – So, Mr. Mangenius, whom are you targeting?

Mangini – You are an impatient one aren’t you. I had such high hopes for your intellect after you translated my musings into oaf for our brauntosaurian tablemate, but I see that you lack the fortitude to persevere and obtain enlightenment. Before I depart I shall share with you what I have ascertained through rigorous inquiry. The sole competitor whom can beget the ascension of the Jets to greatness is a young man from the deep south, from an institution represented by swine. That is right, he will go from swine to airline…(takes out notebook writes down swine to airline, closes notebook)… my apologies, I found that phrase tickled me.

Brick – yeah, great, so you like Darren McFadden.

Mangini – Well done good sir, there may be hope for you yet.

Brick – So as the Genius, you feel that a running back that can’t pass block, fumbles all the time, and hasn’t shown any ability to follow a block is the savior for your franchise. I can accept that, but I hate to break it to you, but Mr. Blank has fallen in love with McFadden.

Mangini – Blank…that…that…that ebony enthralled idiot. No matter, my incomparable intellect has prepared me for just such an inconvenience. I will select one with hall of Fame bloodlines, one who can provide a stout base for my defense, a man whose name is lengthy while using few letters…

Brick – Chris Long, sorry but Mr. Davis likes family, Mangini foiled again.

Mangini – What have I told you about addressing me with the proper reverence. So the Nesfaratu of the NFL has his mind set on nepotism. So I am forced to delay my ascension to the pantheon of greatness for a season, but my blueprint leaves me an out. Fortifying my front with a combination of the southern charm of my initial selection and the stoutness of my second, I will select the Bayou Bengal to Bolster my…

Brick – Dorsey right? He won Parcells’ Nathens challenge, sorry but he won’t be there when you select either.

Mangini – Curse you meaningless week 17 win. Its just not fair that one such as I should be forced to settle for scraps when I should be eating filet. I will make the most of an unpalatable situation. The player I will select, lacks intelligence, else he would have gone to a more prestigious institution, but he does seem to have an acceptable athletic acumen. Parcells will rue the day he passed on one so like the key to his prestigious past. I will make a backer out of a buckeye.

Brick – Ok, you can have Vernon Gholston, Mr. Mangina. Now I’ve had too much to drink, and you are giving me a headache. Its only going to take me one more Jack and Coke to get to the point where I punch you in you pompous puss, so please excuse yourself post haste.

Mangini – Heathen, I am sorely disappointed that I misappropriated my precious time pontificated prospective professional performers with one as poorly prepared to converse properly. I bid you a due.

With that Eric Mangini got up and stomped out of the bar in a huff. He reminded me of a toddler who was denied Ice cream. Thankfully Romeo decided to chime in between bites of his 3rd piece of cheesecake.

Romeo – I may not speak pretty, but still…I pity that fool.

Brickinthebox mock draft:

1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
4. Oakland Raiders – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
5. KC Chiefs – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
6. NY Jets - Vernon Gholston, DE/LB Ohio St.

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