I've lost my balls many times

Watching TV last night I saw a commercial that made me scratch my head. It starts off with a golf ball that someone is drawing a soccer ball pattern on. Once the pattern is complete it gets signed David Beckham, and we cut to someone driving the ball. Gee what a clever add, too bad it has one major flaw. Nobody in the US gives a flying fuck about soccer or David Beckham.

Well maybe not nobody, there are people out there who watch TMZ or entertainment tonight. They care about Beckham and his freakish looking wife. Don’t get me wrong, at one point I thought she was the hottest spice girl, but she now is at least 80% plastic and does nothing for me. And do you really want to cater to the people who watch the celebrity gossip shows? They aren’t moving any product that can’t be bought in bulk at Wal-Mart. Their trailers are already packed with enough talking fish and Blue Collar comedy DVD’s. They don’t have any room for your sharpies.

Then there are the soccer fans. But lets face it, most of them are here illegally, and they know that David Beckham is no longer a top player. He is just here for a big payday prior to retirement.

So great ad Sharpie, you are ready to corner the market on celebrity worshippers and migrant workers. You do know that the only reason ESPN was hyping the arrival of Beckham is that they show MLS games, oh and Stuart Scott has a crush on him. Once again proving that the world would be a better place if Stuart Scott weren’t in it.

But the ad did get me to thinking. Golf season is fast approaching. And I do suck at the game. Now I could go out and play more often, when I played a couple times a week I was getting close to playing bogey golf. Then I decided that there were better things to do in life, and went back to loosing 10 balls every 18 holes the two or three times I play a year.

Now there is nothing more frustrating in golf to me than aimlessly searching for a golf ball that I have sliced 20 yards off the fairway. It really pisses me off. But I think I have found a way to add a silver lining to loosing a ball.

I’m going to steal a sharpie from work and modify my golf balls. I would be much happier about loosing a ball, if I knew that I could leave an insult for the lucky fuck that finds a once hit ball later. So I’ve started brainstorming insults to write on my golf balls. So far the list looks like this:

- If you found me way out here, you must really suck at golf
- While you are out here, the guy who lost me is fucking your wife
- Right now you are fondling another man’s balls
- This ball was previously used as an anal bead
- (Draw an iris on one side) If found return to Stuart Scott
- Is that cock I smell on your breath?
- Go fuck yourself

As you can see, I need some more ideas for this to work. I need enough for an entire case of balls, or else I’ll just be repeating myself, and that’s not funny. So leave your suggestions in the comments. Now don’t go trying to steal this idea, if I see a new company producing insult golf balls I’ll sue your ass. I’m going to patent this bitch.