Thursday, March 6, 2008

2008 - Brickinthebox Mock-Draft - Baltimore, Steak and Shake

Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.

My surveillance equipment disabled by the despicable Bill Bellichick, and my mind unable to stomach watching Romeo take another bite, I put down some money, collected my tapes and headed outside. I figured that I would have to get up early again the next morning to get my setup back in order, so it was grab a quick bite and hit the hotel room to start transcribing the days events.

I spotted a steak and shake across the way and figured it couldn’t be any worse that what I’d just been through. The place was pretty packed and I found myself in line in front of two large men. When a table for 4 opened up they asked if they could join me. Recognizing them I wasn’t about to say no. Thus began my dinner with the Ryan brothers, Rob and Rex.

Rex – Thanks for letting us join you.

Rob – Yeah, usually we are able to get a seat right away; we are regulars here.

Brick – You mean the two of you come all the way to Indy for the combine and are regulars at Steak and Shake?

Rob – yeah, we’ve been coming here since we worked for Buddy.

Brick – So what do you recommend?

Rex – you can’t go wrong at Steak and Shake. It’s all great. Last year I gained 12 pounds over the combine weekend, all thanks to Steak and Shake.

Brick – Oh, shit, I though Romeo was bad.

Rob – You ran into Mr. T. where is that sorry fucker.

Brick – across the street at the bar, he’s been there all day.

Rex – I’d spend all day at the bar too if I had Brady Quinn as the future of my team.

Rob – So have you been over there with him all day? I bet you two have run into just about every big shot in the league.

Brick – Yeah, quite a few anyway. Ran into Mr. Davis, looks like he is planning on taking Chris Long.

Rob – Well that’s a step in the right direction.
Rex – You’ll still suck. You ever think that you’ll have a better defence than me?

Rob – Fuck you Rex, if I hadn’t been hamstrung by the system Mr. Davis requires and washed up old men like Sapp, I’d have this D running on all cylinders by now.

Rex – oh, cry me a fucking river. I’ve had to overcome the 3 and out genius of Billick for the last 8 years and still have this ring. When are you going to get a ring where you aren’t riding Mangini’s coat-tails.

Brick – Mangini’s coat-tails? Don’t you mean Belichick?

Rob – How many rings has Bill won without Eric. Eric may be the smartest motherfucker in the league.

Rex – So you ran into Mr. Davis, did you run into Ozzy? Any clue what he is planning on?

Brick – Nope, didn’t see Ozzy today, he must have actually been playing attention at the combine. So what do you think the Ravens are going to do?

Guy at next table – Maybe you should be asking me that.

Rex – who are you.

Guy at next table – I’m John Harbaugh, your new head coach.

Rex – didn’t you play QB for the Colts?

Harbaugh – no that was my brother. I was QB coach for Phily.

Rex – never heard of you.

Rob – Well come on over and fill us in.

Harbaugh gets up and joins our table.

Rex – you do know that Ozzy runs the draft room, what he says goes.

Harbaugh – that may work for your defense, but I’m going to have to have some say on Offense, the talent there is lacking.

Brick - So you’re saying that you’ll be looking at offense with the 1st pick.

Before Harbaugh can answer Ray Lewis storms in the front door. Dances for two minutes then comes over to the table.

Lewis – Rex, I think we need a dominant tackle in this years draft to keep the blockers off me.

Harbaugh - I don’t think this team needs to take another DL this high Ray, we need some help on offense.

Lewis – who the fuck is this cracker?

Harbaugh - I’m John Harbaugh, your new head coach.

Lewis – didn’t you play QB for the Colts?

Harbaugh – no that was my brother. I was QB coach for Phily.

Lewis – never heard of you.

Harbaugh – Ray, I’m sure that we’ll work great together, but you must understand that I need to rebuild the offense so we can put some points on the board

Lewis – Well Jim…

Harbaugh – John

Lewis (now reaching into his jacket) – Jim, Jay, John it doesn’t fucking matter, you need to understand that nobody talks back to god’s linebacker

With that, Rex jumps up from the table and grabs Ray. I think I saw a blade, but Rex managed to get Ray calmed down and out of the Restaurant before anything else happened.

Rex – Jim

Harbaugh – John

Rex – you really have to watch what you say to Ray. He is a bit crazy.

Harbaugh – I’m sure that we’ll be able to work well together.

Rob – yeah, if you don’t get stabbed in the 1st team meeting.

Rex – yeah, welcome to Shaw Shank.

Harbaugh – I’m sure the inmates running the asylum aspect of Baltimore is overblown.

Rex – sure it is (lifts up shirt, revealing multiple scars from stab wounds).

Brick – so Jim

Harbaugh – John

Brick – yeah, so who are you targeting in the draft.

The front door flys open and Ed Reed dances for two minutes before coming over to our table.

Reed – Rex, I need more money.

Rex – You just got an extension

Reed – I am the best safety in football, and I need to up my home security, Ray found out where I live again.

Harbaugh – Edward, I think you need to recognize that this is a team game, and you will have to sacrifice some in order for the team to succeed.

Reed – Who the fuck are you?

Harbaugh - I’m John Harbaugh, your new head coach.

Reed – didn’t you play QB for the Colts?

Harbaugh – no that was my brother. I was QB coach for Phily.

Reed – never heard of you. But Jim…

Harbaugh – John

Reed – your name doesn’t matter, you had better recognize that I’m the best player on this team and Ray Ray can’t handle it. Unless you want me to end up like Sean Taylor you had better get me paid.

With that Ed Reed left the Steak and Shake.

Harbaugh – well this has been quite the eye opening experience. Well before we are interrupted again, I’ll let you know that I really like young Matt Ryan out of Boston College.

Rex – A QB (stands up and punches Harbaugh in the face) sorry about that, its sort of a family tradition. But a QB, how many QB’s is this team going to waste money and draft picks on.

Harbaugh (holding jaw) Well I need something to work with, otherwise your D is going to have to do it all again… I think I lost a tooth. It was nice meeting you gentalmen.

Rob gets up, punches Harbaugh in the face

Rob – nice meeting you Jim.

Harbaugh – John… nice meeting you too.

Harbaugh leaves the Steak and Shake.

Brick – So Rex, how do you feel about Ryan.

Rex – doesn’t matter to me, as long as we are healthy on D we should compete again. I can’t do anything about the offense.

Rob – He’s better than anything you have now.

Rex – Yeah, I guess so.

Romeo barges in the door.

Romeo – where is the sucka who was suppose to buy me lunch, I’m gonna kill that fool…Mmmmmmmm Milkshakes.

Brickinthebox mock draft:

1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
4. Oakland Raiders – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
5. KC Chiefs – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
6. NY Jets - Vernon Gholston, DE/LB Ohio St.
7. NE Patriots – Dan Conner, LB, Penn St.
8. Baltimore Ravens – Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College

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