Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.
Completely disgusted from watching Romeo destroy a cheesecake, and feeling a good buzz, I went to the men’s room. Ever take a 3 minute piss? God that feels good when it feels like your eyeballs are swimming. The room seemed to get brighter with each pint of piss I expelled. Feeling much better, I decided to head back and try to get some food before I left. That is, if Romeo didn’t decide to clean my plate for me.
As I exited the Men’s room, I realized that two people had joined Romeo at our table. I hadn’t taken two steps before I recognized Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. I quickly made my way back to the table, not wanting to miss out on anything.
Belichick – Remember how Parcells made you talk like Mr.T all the time. That was hilarious.
Romeo – Maybe for you, but I found it to be demeaning.
Belichick – as demeaning as your coaching record since you left? I warned you not to take the Cleveland job. I mean, Brady Quinn, common, that’s the funniest thing I saw all of last year. Now who is your friend here?
Romeo – Some guy who had an open spot at the table and invited me to join him. Anyone who is good enough to buy me lunch is cool with me.
Brick – buy you lunch, who ever said anything…
Belichick – So young man, I assume that this recording equipment is your doing.
Brick – Recording equipment, what recording equipment?
Belichick – The boom mike between the moosehead and the Budweiser sign, the mike taped to the bottom of the table, Did you really think that you would be able to record a conversation where I was involved without me knowing. I invented the tape recorder. Tom, frisk him to make sure that he isn’t wired.
Tom starts to get up, but something bumps the table from underneath.
Brady – sorry about that Bill, I’ve gotten so used to having my nuts sucked that I sometimes forget that its happening.
With that Bill Simmons come out from under the table holding his head.
Simmons – That’s Ok Tom, it must be hard being you. With so many people trying to use you. You don’t have to worry about that with me, My love is pure.
Tom – yeah great, Bill.
Simmons – Tom could you please, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeee call me Giselle, it would mean so much to me, and really bring us closer.
Tom – dude, I already told you no.
Simmons – Ok, just promise you’ll think about it. Here let me rub your shoulders, it will relax you.
Belichick – Romeo, think about what I said, I think you’ll find the arrangement agreeable, young man, you will have to plug your recording equipment back in. I disabled everything that was out here, but I’m not taking any chances that we will be recorded by something on your person. Lets go Tom.
Simmons – recorded, are we being recorded. That’s awesome, what show is this for, I’d love to be a part of it. Who wants to interview me.
Brady – See you later Bill.
Simmons – Don’t worry Tom, I’ll catch up as soon as I finish this interview, I have to keep my fans happy. Now where is the mike I need to talk into, didn’t Bill say something about under the table (starts to go back under the table)
Brick – No, no, its hidden right here (grabs a dinner roll off of Romeo’s plate…when did he order dinner?)
Romeo – hey, hands off my roll
Brick – shut-up, you’ve had enough carbs today
Romeo (shoveling more food in his mouth) good thing I got extra rolls,
Simmons – Ok lets start the interview, (talking into dinner roll) I’m Bill Simmons, writer, radio and on air personality for ESPN, live from Indianapolis.
Brick – All right, I’ll humor you, since Belichick and Brady left. So how are you handling the loss to the Giants.
Simmons – I’m from NE, so I know how it feels to loose, up until the Pats win over the heavily favored St. Louis Rams, I hadn’t experienced the thrill of a championship since the Boston Celtics in ‘86. I was just talking to my friend J-bug the other day and he was telling me…
Brick – Ok, I think everyone has read one of your articles at some time. No need to rehash what you’ve written 800 times here. Lets try to make this quick, have Belichick or Brady given you any insight as to whom they are planning to select at #7?
Simmons – the Patriots are the model NFL franchise. And Belichick is the greatest coaching mind in the NFL. Between him and Scott Pioli they have turned the Pats into the Evil Empire of the NFL. And now they are like the Celtics when they selected Len Bias, (crys uncontrollably for 3 minutes), sorry, They remind me of season 3 of Melrose place where…
Brick – Look, maybe if you run into Brady Quinn you guys can talk about Melrose place. Who are the Pats going to draft?
Simmons – you don’t want to here about Melrose place?
Brick – no
Simmons – how about Karate Kid
Brick – no
Simmons – I know, real world, everybody loves real world
Brick – no, I don’t want to here about shitty TV shows and bad ‘80’s movies.
Simmons – I know, I know VEGAS BABY, this one time Sully, J-Bug and I were playing blackjack when they sent in the closer and…
Brick – I don’t give a flying fuck about your friends with their stereotypical Boston nicknames. Lets try this a different way. I’m going to give you the name of a draft prospect and you can give me the Boston perspective on him.
Simmons – sounds good, nobody is a better representative of Boston than me. I’ve been through all the hard times, and have experienced some of the greatest seasons ever these last few years, it reminds me of when Larry Bird…
Brick – Matt Ryan
Simmons – Good Boston Kid, nice hair, but nowhere near as dreamy as my Tom.
Brick – Sedrick Ellis
Simmons – Sedrick comes from the Patriots of college football, USC, which is ironic since Pete Carroll failed as the Patriots coach. He is going to be one hell of an NFL player, but he is black.
Brick – What?
Simmons – he is black, look at him.
Brick – OK, Mike Jenkins, the Pats do need DB help
Simmons – black
Brick – So I guess that rules out Kenny Philips
Brick – and Derrick Harvey
Simmons – NEEEEEEEEEEGROOOOOOOOOOO
Romeo – look here fool, I’ll
Brick – eat Romeo, if you are good we’ll get you some more cheesecake.
Romeo – Mmmmmmm Cheesecake
Brick – Ok, so pretty much you’ve eliminated the top guys that I have on my board through your brilliant analysis Bill. And since I have both Jake and Chris Long gone before the Pats select.
Simmons – No fair, I like Chris Long, this is like the episode of 90210 where Dylan…
Brick – don’t you think these references have jumped the shark? Wait don’t answer, how about Dan Conner.
Simmons – Now that’s a pick that a New Englander can get behind. Good linebacker, out of Penn St., Joe Pa., can we call him Dan O’Connah, play up the Irish?
Brick – you can call him anything you want.
Simmons – that’s great, now I can get a lucky Dan O’Connah jersey to go with my Wes Welkah jersey. That’s would be wicked pissah.
Brick – oh, Bill before I forget, Tom wanted me to give this to you. (hands Bill note)
Simmons (reading to himself )– Meet me in room 181 at 1801 EST so we can share an intimate experience Bill, or should I say Giselle. XOXOX Tom. (To the whole bar) He’s going to call me Giselle, but what does 1801 mean.
Brick – did you say 18 and 1.
Simmons – no I said 1801
Brick – I think that means that you are a failure.
Simmons – you..you tricked me (throws dinner roll across the room)… I HATE YOU…THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER
Brick – 18 and 1
Simmons – running towards door, TOM WAIT FOR ME
Romeo gets up, retrieves dinner roll and returns to the table.
Romeo – He should really spend some time with Quinn, those two are a lot alike.
Brick – yeah, but what a waste of air.
Romeo – So you going to put down Dan Conner for your draft?
Brick – Well it does make sense. I think New England will trade down, but Conner does fill a need. Who cares its just a mock draft anyway.
Romeo – Yeah, and that sucka is white.
Brickinthebox mock draft:
1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
4. Oakland Raiders – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
5. KC Chiefs – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.
6. NY Jets - Vernon Gholston, DE/LB Ohio St.
7. NE Patriots – Dan Conner, LB, Penn St.