Saturday, March 1, 2008

2008 - Brickinthebox Mock-Draft - Atlanta, Blank is in Love

Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.

The lunch rush came into the bar that we were holed up in, with no further visits from NFL personnel. Sure there was a visit from Rich Eisen, but I refuse to transcribe the conversation between him and Romeo. I had to increase my alcohol intake in order to stay at the same table as the two of them while they discussed in detail their experiences with hookers in Thailand. Dead hooker stories may fly on other blogs, but we are a family establishment here at Brickinthebox.

As Eisen started to describe his 12th trip to Thailand, I excused myself from the table and went to an empty stool at the bar. Planning to just order a jack and coke, I soon found myself listening in to the older gentleman as he bared his soul to the pour barkeep. It took me a few minutes, but I soon realized that I was sitting next to an owner of an NFL franchise.

Older Man – My 1st love was keeping… was going behind my back and just doing the most despicable things. If only I had know, I would have acted differently. When I found out I felt so betrayed.

Barkeep – So was it another man?

Older man – no, no much worse. It was animals. Oh the things my love did to those animals. Unfathomable things, things you have to pay to see on the internet.

Barkeep – Um ok, lets change the subject, you’ve moved on, things must have gotten better.

Older man – Oh sure, I tried to move on. I found another love. But once again I was betrayed. My love strayed. My love was unfaithful.

Barkeep – please don’t say that it was animals again.

Older man – Oh no, it was much worse, college men.

Barkeep – So she left you for a younger man, I hope you had a prenup.

Older man – no, no prenup, he took my money and ran, and its not younger man, younger men, he took on a whole team of college men.

Barkeep – a whole team, like a gangbang, what kind of fucked up women are you into.

Older man – women, what are you talking about, he was all man,

Barkeep – OK, I don’t want to listen to anymore of this, just finish your drink and leave.

Light goes on in my head.

Brick – excuse me, aren’t you Author Blank?

Older man – yes that’s me, and you are.

Brick – just a football fan you can call me brick, you sure have been through some messed up shit this last year.

Barkeep – look, I know you and the fat man have been running up quite a tab, but I want this guy out of here, he is creeping me out, and if you are going to continue this conversation I’m going to ask you to leave.

Brick – I think there is a misunderstanding here, this is Author Blank, owner of the Falcons, his 1st love was Mike Vick, and the 2nd was Bobby Petrino. There was no gay love there, just some misplaced trust.

Barkeep – animals, college men, could he have been more vague. Old man, have one on the house. But lets try to not be so obtuse in the future. (walks to far end of bar)

Blank – thank you for clearing that up brick, I don’t think I could have gone back across the street. All of the other owners are laughing at me. Its like I’m back in high school.

Brick – well, its not like your franchise has made the best decisions of late. Have you thought that maybe you need to look at your advisors and maybe clean up that mess.

Blank – I can’t get rid of Richy he has been so loyal, I trust his judgement, plus he has those photos.

Brick – ok, now you are creeping me out, lets talk future, who are you looking at in the draft?

Blank – Well now that we’ve cut my little Roddy Poo.

Brick – Rod Colemen?

Blank – yeah, that’s what I said, god I loved having him on my team. I guess we should look for another black man who knows how to penetrate god, how I want Glenn Dorsey penetrating my backfield.

Barkeep – why did I walk back over here. (leaves again)

Brick – well lets just say that he was already taken.

Blank – what, my strong black vison, has been taken by another. Well I guess I would look to get a new face for my franchise. We could really use a QB. How about Andre Woodson.

Brick – I think you could get him much later, besides haven’t you had enough trouble with quarterbacks with questionable accuracy?

Blank – you may be right, but Atlanta loves strong black men, the thought of a silky smooth brother leading the Falcons again just makes me all atwitter.

Brick – great, you draft early in the 2nd round, take a chance on Woodson still being there. I guess this means you aren’t interested in Matt Ryan or Bryan Brohm.

Blank – Ryan is a Yankee, you know that us southerners would never trust a white boy from Boston. And Brohm still has that Perterno stink about him.

Brick – how about Sedric Ellis, he is the strong black penetrating type, oh god, now I’m talking this way too.

Blank – Oh, he is an intriguing young man, so strong, so quick, so big, so black, but I’m afraid the whole LA thing is a turn off.

Brick – we are running out of top prospects here. I’m not even going to bother with Chris Long since he is white, Ok, how about Darren McFadden.

Blank – RunDMC, I like it. Oh he is perfect, a real specimen of black manhood. He is fast, he is strong, he is elusive, he is southern, oh how I would love for him to be the face of my plantation…er franchise. Oh and his nickname will resonate with the Atlanta community, they do love their rap music, oh how they will dance, I love nothing more than watching my blacks dance, they are a musical people you know. Good sir, I would like to offer you a position on my staff, you are truly a great advisor, I trust you.

Brick – that’s OK, I don’t think I’m interested.

Blank – then please, allow me to pay your tab, barkeep, this mans tab, please let me pick it up.

Barkeep – you do know that he is with him (points to Crennel)

Blank – oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have that kind of Money, sir you will have to accept my thanks and love as your payment.

Blank then jumped up off his barstool and skipped to the door, all the while chanting, I’m in love with a black man named Darren and I don’t care who knows. Feeling a bit dirty I ordered a double jack and coke, hold the coke and headed back to my table where Eisen was getting up to leave.
Romeo – what was that all about

Brick – that was Author Blank, I think he is going to draft Darren McFadden.

Romeo – that fool is a sucka for a strong negro.

Brickinthebox mock draft:

1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas

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