Brickinthebox is live on tape delay from an Indianapolis bar across the street from the NFL combine. We secretly taped the conversations that occurred between ourselves and NFL bigwigs to gain some incredible insight into the NFL draft, which we are sharing here with our reader. Warning – Spoilers ahead.
Its fast approaching 4 pm here at an unnamed bar across the street from the RCA Dome. Romeo Crennel has reassumed his usual place next to me at the table. And has placed his two subway bags on the table.
Romeo – hey man, I grabbed a sub for you. (Puts 1 subway footlong in front of me takes out 2 others and starts to open the 1st).
Brick – So what did you get me?
Romeo – Ham, double meat, extra mayo, no veg. Same as what I got.
Brick – Umm, no thanks, I have some wings coming.
As if on queue, the server arrives with my wings.
Server – Sir (addressing Crennel) we don’t allow patrons to bring in food from outside.
Romeo – Look, I’m on the Subway diet, if it can work for that pansy Jarret, it can work for me. Besides, I’ve been here all day can’t you cut me some slack. Now how about another diet coke.
Sever (shaking his head as he walks away) some diet, 3 footlongs, 4 fried chickens and almost a gallon of blue cheese.
Romeo – what did he say, that fool ain’t getting no tip.
Door flys open
Bar – HERM!!!!!!!!!
Herm Edwards – Hey everybody, glad to be back here in Indy. Hey Boss (addressing bartender) get me the usual. (Herm heads to open stool at the bar)
Large Black Man – Motherfucker, you ain’t sitting by yourself at the bar, you best pick a spot where I can join you.
Herm – Hey guy, no worries, I was just getting my drink, why don’t you sit there next to Romeo and I’ll join you.
Romeo – Larry good to see you again, how are things in KC (starts laughing)
Larry Johnson – What the fuck is so fuckin funny. You traded a 1st round pick for that queer Quinn when you know damn well you could have traded for me last year. I blame you that I’m stuck in that shithole.
Romeo – yeah, now I’m stuck with a queen and a back who is falling apart, Sure Jamal had a good year, but does anyone really think he is going to be able to perform that way again.
Larry – Look at me, I have to come to Indy to babysit rainman here (points to Herm) Motherfucker is all … (Herm joins table)
Herm – Hey there guys, great to be here in Indy with you. I’m really looking forward to another successful year of football.
Larry – Successful, what the fuck was successful about last year. We went 4-12 and lost to the fuckin Raiders. Tell me again how anything about last year can be termed a Fuckin success.
Herm – We have found our QB of the future
Larry – Croyle, Broddy Fuckin Croyl. If he is the future I’m fuckin Abraham Lincoln.
Herm – Our Defense took great strides to being a top flight unit.
Larry – Oh yeah, they took great strides, we don’t have a single starter other than Mullethead who would start anywhere else. Its been the same bullshit every year since I came to KC, we’ll get them next year.
Herm – And I think the fanbase has really bought into my 8 year plan for success.
Larry (throws Herms appletini across the bar) 8 Year, 8 fuckin year, I’m an NFL running back, I don’t have 8 years. Look we are here to get me some help so that you don’t have me running 400 times behind a bunch of pussified bitches again. That Oline was great three years ago, we need to make them that way again. Motherfuckin 8 years bullshit.
Herm – Please, Larry, don’t throw my Appletini, as for the draft, I don’t know, I was thinking about looking at defensive back, If we could get a good one of them, It could take our D to the next level.
Larry – I will pimpslap the stupid out of you if you so much as look at another DB. I swear to all that is holy, you better get me a lineman. Get me that Jake Long motherfucker, look at the way that midget for Michigan ran behind him, that’s what I’m talking about.
Brick – Larry, I don’t think he will last to the 5th pick, St. Louis seems to like him.
Larry – Who the fuck said that you could open your fuckin piehole. Sit there and eat your chicken wings and shut the fuck up. You think I’m going to stand bye while that Larry Johnson wannabe Steven Jackson gets a fuckin stud lineman.
Herm – now Larry we have looked at Ryan Clady out of Boise St.
Larry – Boise St… what the fuck is that, some kind of kiddy college, that ain’t no big ten school. Motherfucker I said Jake fuckin Long.
Herm – Now Larry, Ryan is a fine young man and an outstanding prospect.
Larry – Ok Herm, I tell you what, we’ll go back across the street and take a look at this fine young man. And if he ain’t the shit I’m gonna beat the fuck out of you.
Herm – Sounds good Larry, we’ll go back over after I get another Appletini and take a look at him and this Mike Jenkins cat.
Larry – Look here Pollyanna, we ain’t lookin at no motherfuckin Mike Jenkins, I already done told you no DB’s. And you aint getting no motherfuckin appletini, we out.
Larry jumps up, knocking his chair to the ground, grabs Herm by his collar and drags him out the door.
Herm – Have a glorious day everyone.
Romeo takes a huge bite out of his ham sub, mayo drips down his cheek.
Romeo (with mouth full) – So who do you think they are going to draft?
Brick – I’m putting down Ryan Clady, otherwise I think Larry will break Herm’s legs.
Romeo – you going to eat those wings?
I take one look at Romeo, now with mayo dripping off his cheek, onto his shirt.
Brick – No, don’t think I’m very hungry anymore.
Romeo – than pass them over here fool.
Brickinthebox mock draft:
1. Miami Dolphins – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
2. St. Louis Rams – Jake Long, OT, Michigan
3. Atlanta Falcons – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
4. Oakland Raiders – Chris Long, DE, Virginia
5. KC Chiefs – Ryan Clady, OT, Boise St.